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Where Have I Been?

I'm sorry...

I'd love to say that I've been super busy but in reality i haven't, my mood has been extremely low and has been for a lot longer than i expected. I decided to take time out but 1 week turned into 2 and 2 turned into 3 weeks but now although i'm still not 100% back to 'normal' i'm getting pretty sick of feeling as though i'm hiding something i wish was spoken about more so i'm here to tell the truth about the mental demons i'm struggling with..


I feel so alone. Wow i hated even writing them words but i'm pushing myself to start speaking out about my feelings because i can no longer go another night crying wishing i had someone to ask me how my day has been or to have anyone wanting to spend some time with me. Having a great support system gets most people through life but my support system is made up of my mother who works extremely hard and a handful of friends who check in a handful of times a year, everyone seems to have 'squads', besties for life and big families that are always on hand and i have none of them. i'm extremely grateful for the people i do have in my life but loneliness doesn't just stem from the people around me but the daily struggles in my home life make the feeling also heightened.


If you've read my blog in the past you'll know i am a lone parent of one 3 year old handsome boy who has been placed onto the autism pathway, because of his traits it leaves us with strict daily routines which leads us to have lots of days in the house depending on his mood but also his main struggle is that he has a communication disorder which is super frustrating for the both of us. I've continuously had 'oh he'll get there, they all progress at different stages' as if I've never heard that before but i just nod and agree because if they haven't been through it they wont understand completely, he'll be 4 soon and still isn't saying mummy if he needs/wants me and that's upsetting. my biggest sadness comes from the fact ill never get the toddler days back and will always have the memories of such a quiet house giving it that extra lonely feeling. The day i ask him 'are you OK?', would you like a drink?' and i get a reply i think i'll cry because that little communication is what i crave from my son.


Anxiety is anther major factor to my feeling of loneliness too because its a feeling so indescribable at times and something people around me don't seem to understand. i can still remember my last big anxiety filled panic attack, it was the day i was going to view my sons day care nursery before agreeing on the placement. His father back then was supposed to turn up to view it also but i knew he wouldn't so i knew me and my boy would be alone and leading up to the appointment time my nerves of not knowing what to expect and meeting new faces made my head spin, i collapsed to the floor trying to catch my breath. Knowing my son only has me to rely on got me through that attack and gets me through my anxiety daily because if you deal with this too then you'll know sometimes even a trip to the shops can seem hard.


Sometimes i feel like I've completely lost myself and also question myself about who i am outside of being a mother to a boy struggling with development delays and am i good enough for this world.. but that's why i started this blog because this what i love to do for me, it keeps me from being hidden and gives me a voice i think should be heard not just for me but for everyone who like me feels embarrassed to admit our feelings. 

Thank you

Moving forward i'd like to thank @lifemilk2016 for checking in even on your birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY). Even if your a stranger to somebody showing your there can really make a difference and you my dear have given me that little push to be back to what i love doing sooner rather than later. Go give this lovely lady a follow and check her out she's working on her very own blog..

I'm so nervous to publish this post but i need to be honest and this is it, i'm so sorry for taking a long time out, my mental health was making daily tasks hard so that's what i have and still am working on, thank you for being patient i hope to get things running smoothly again soon. keep connected on all my social media and ill speak to you all very soon.

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